Former counselor turned author offers tips on talking to kids about tragedy
Julia Cook shares a story with a group of children at Beadle Elementary in Yankton, S.D.
YANKTON, SD (KTIV) -
Coping with tragedy can be difficult for anyone, especially children.
Julia Cook is a former counselor, who started writing about seven years ago, and has since published more than 40 books about children's issues. She was recently in Yankton, S.D., reading to students at Beadle Elementary.
Cook says it's best to limit kids' exposure to tragic stories on the news, because if they see it too many times, they might think it's happened again.
She says when tragedies do happen, it's best to stick with your normal routine. Cook says honest communication, and listening, goes a long way.
"They're afraid to go to school, 'tell me what scares you,' and then you talk to them and say, 'well, I understand why you feel that way and we're all kind of scared. We're going to be scared together, but we're going to get through it'," said Cook.
Cook says children are typically more resilient than adults are, but it's best to keep talking with them to make sure they're doing okay.
Here's an excerpt from Cook's suggestions to parents on how to cope with disasters and violence.....
When disasters, both natural and man-made occur, parents are faced with the challenge of discussing tragic events with their children. Although these might be difficult conversations, they are important and necessary. Always remember, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to talk to your child about traumatic events. However, here are a few tips that you might find helpful:
• Remain calm and reassuring – create an environment where children will feel comfortable asking questions.
• Always answer a child's questions truthfully with simple answers. You don't need to go into more detail than necessary, but lying to your children or making up facts will ultimately confuse them. Eventually, when find out the truth about what happened, they may struggle with trusting you in the future.
• You may be asked to repeat your answers several times. Be consistent in your reply, and realize that your repetitive answers are reassuring your child's "need to know" and building upon their sense of security.
• Children often feel out of control when disasters occur. Keeping with a familiar routine is very important when trying to reestablish the security of feeling in control.
• If your child asks a question that you do not know the answer to, it's ok to say "I don't know."
• Acknowledge and normalize your child's thoughts feelings and reactions. Help children understand why they feel this way.
• Encourage kids to talk about disaster related events on their terms. Never force a child to ask a question or to talk about an incident until he/she is ready.
• Reassure your child that many people out there are helping those who are hurting. You may want to let your child make a card for someone who is suffering. Giving to those in need of support allows a child to feel like he/she can make a difference in helping out with a terrible situation.
• Keep your child away from watching news stations and listening to radio where the disaster is being discussed and replayed. Sensationalizing the events that have occurred will only upset and confuse your child further.
• Promote positive coping and problem solving skills. Remember – You are your child's coping instructor. Your children are very interested to how your respond to local and national events. They also may be listening to every word you say when you discuss these events with other adults.
• Emphasize children's resiliency. Fortunately, most children, even those who are exposed to trauma, are quite resilient.
• Children who are preoccupied with questions and concerns about safety should be evaluated by a trained mental health professional. If your child suffers from sleep disturbances, anxiety, recurring fears about death, or severe separation anxiety from parents, contact your school counselor and/or pediatrician.
• Strengthen friendship and peer support and foster supportive relationships–There is strength in numbers!
• Take care of your own needs. In order to be there for others, you have to take care of yourself.
• Advanced preparation and immediate response will help with healing and coping. All schools have safety plans in place that are continually being evaluated and updated. Explain to your child that this is a good thing.
Always Remember: You are your child's coping instructor!
Julia Cook is a national award winning children's author, former counselor, and parenting expert. She has presented in over 800 schools across the country, regularly delivers keynote addresses at national education and counseling conferences, and has 41 published children's books. The goal behind all of Julia's books and efforts is to actively involve young people into her fun and creative stories and teach them to become life-long problem solvers. Inspirations for her books come from working with children and carefully listening to parents and teachers. For more information on this topic, check out "Grief is Like a Snowflake." www.juliacookonline.com
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