Monica Lewinsky writes Vanity Fair article about her life after - KTIV News 4 Sioux City IA: News, Weather and Sports

Monica Lewinsky writes Vanity Fair article about her life after affair


(CNN) - In her tell-all Vanity Fair essay, Monica Lewinsky says she's opening up about her scandalous past in an effort to move forward.

"I would give anything to go back and rewind the tape," Monica Lewinsky said.

Lewinsky writes about her affair with President Clinton.

She provides insight into the nature of their relationship - beyond the salacious details splashed across the headlines.

"It was an authentic connection, with emotional intimacy, frequent visits, plans made, phone calls and gifts exchanged," Lewinsky said.

Now 40 - the world's most famous white house intern examines the situation with new perspective.

"I look back now, shake my head in disbelief, and wonder: what was I - what were we - thinking?" Lewinsky said.

Lewinsky has remained mostly reclusive - an effort to protect herself from the shame she felt when the affair went public.

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

Following President Clinton's initial vehement denial and subsequent admission.

"Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong."

"I felt like a piece of trash. I felt dirty, and I felt used," Lewinsky said.

Lewinsky says the scandal changed the entire trajectory of her life, making her virtually unemployable.

She remains very much stuck in time - never getting married or having children, she writes:

"With every man I date (yes, I date!), I go through some degree of 1998 whiplash," Lewinsky said.

Lewinsky says she considered the consequences of telling her story on "The Clinton Universe." and felt compelled to speak out now before Hillary Clinton's potential 2016 presidential bid.

Something which means more to her than just the possibility of having a female president.

"When I hear of Hillary's prospective candidacy, I cannot help but fear the next wave of paparazzi, the next wave of "Where is she now?" Lewinsky said. But should I put my life on hold for another 8 to 10 years?"

Lewinsky also wrote how she related to Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers student who killed himself after a video of him kissing another man ended up online.

Knowing herself how damaging and painful an online scandal can be, she says her goal is to get involved with efforts on behalf of victims of online humiliation and harassment.

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